The Only One
by LordByronMudkippington
Summary: Honoka's always happy. There's only one thing in the whole world that can ruin her mood. It just happens to be something that she's forced to notice every day.


**Author's Note:** Honoka-centric and first person? I'm diving into extreme uncharted territory here. Oh well, it's almost the weekend. Today's inspirational line is from "Vermilion" by Slipknot.

* * *

You know, I'm pretty proud of myself. Okay, so maybe, if looked upon by someone else, they would be more worried than proud, I choose to look on the bright side of things. That's all I do. That's all I've done for my entire life. And perhaps that's my greatest accomplishment: that out of all my friends, my lovely, amazing friends of great intelligence and understanding, I'm the one who has successfully hidden my true feelings. We're all good at something.

Sure, Maki and Nico are easy to read, but I've seen them dig through the insecurities of someone like Rin, a friend I consider my closest ally. She hid her own feelings pretty well, but they got through. They always get through. Yet here I am, one among the crowd, a nut that not even Nozomi can crack. She's incredible: we all feel like she can see right through us, right into our very souls! But she can't get to me. After all, someone who bares their heart in everything she does has nothing to hide. I'm laughing but I'm crying. It's so weird.

It was eventually going to come to the surface: people within the group liked each other. Even to me that was plainly obvious, especially considering how much time we spent together and how much we had all invested in each other. Of course, I don't just mean _like._ I mean more than that, and some are more obvious about it than others. It was great, though! That made them happy, and I love when my friends are happy. It makes me happy too. Well, it usually does.

Of course it's selfish. I know it's selfish. How can I not see that? But I can't help but feel selfish when I become the only one in our close-knit group that's denied. Let me explain. Out of our group, I have two great friends, and we've been together for years! We know just about everything about each other, and I wouldn't trade the adventures we've shared for the world. And since we know everything about each other, that allows me intimate knowledge of this: Kotori and Umi like each other, and it's killing me inside.

Ugh, it sounds so rude, so selfish, I know. I feel guilty just having thoughts like these, but I can't help it. If you could see her the way I do, you would understand. I guess that means there's only one person who'd understand, one person who feels the same I do... and that's the problem! You know, she's always been there for me. She's constantly had my back. Hell, I did everything I could to make sure she didn't leave us, didn't leave me.

Maybe that's the problem: maybe I was selfish for keeping her from her dreams just so I wouldn't have to live without her. No, there's no maybe: it was selfish. But none of my friends truly understand. They weren't about to lose the one person they had realized they had strong feelings for. Well, one did, and that's the problem. I love Minami Kotori, but she's fallen for someone else.

It hurts to see them together, and since they're my best friends, I see them together all the time. They're not an overt couple like Nozomi and Eli, but I can see every slight shift against each other, every time their hands are entwined. It eats me up inside. Despite how bad these thoughts are, and believe me, I know, I'm inundated with all these negative emotions towards Umi. She's still one of my best friends, and I don't know if that will ever change, but now when I see her I get... I don't know what this feeling is, but I definitely don't feel happy.

What's so great about Umi anyway? She's strict and stubborn and such a prude! When would she ever give Kotori what she wants, what she needs? I would do it! I would lay everything on the line for her. Ugh, there I go again. These thoughts, they're so selfish, so awful. Umi doesn't deserve this: she can't help whom she falls for, but neither can I. And now we're unknown adversaries, because even she has no idea I feel this way. No one does.

The last thing I want to do is cause a scene. Me voicing out how I feel when she's clearly spoken for will only serve to drive a wedge within the group, and I don't want that. Even when Muse disbands, and it's soon to with our three seniors graduation, we're still a group. Maybe it's a group of six, but we're still together, and Eli, Nozomi, and Nico will still be here in spirit. Nozomi's spiritual like that, ya know? My selfishness will not be the thing that tears us all apart. But I want her so bad.

I don't think people can see how amazing she is the way I can. All they see is a soft-spoken girl who has an amazing talent for creating beautiful clothing. And she is! But she's so much more. She has this way of picking you back up when you're down. It's not boisterous or out there, but it's just in how calm and supportive she is. I've really become the leader and cheerleader of Muse, but I don't know how many times I've secretly felt low and she's swooped in to dust me off and put me back on the right path. No one else is like that.

Maybe they're just better for each other. They work so well together. I can see that; others can see that. I just can't take it. How many times have I put out some outlandish idea, and Umi's shot it down, only for Kotori to stick with me, to understand where I'm coming from? If I put all of ours hands together, maybe that number would be close to the truth. Umi's such a stickler, but Kotori is the one who can always calm her down. Maybe that's why they go so well together.

Thinking about her being with me, taking her away from Umi, it's like the opposite of Cupid or something. Umi needs her, just like I need her, but maybe she just needs her more. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had just let Kotori leave, to go on to her fashion destiny while I quit our group in despair. Maybe I could have contacted her. Maybe my words, my convictions would have swayed her, and when she returned to us she would be racing into my arms. Probably not: Umi's always been better with words.

Subtly, ever so subtly, I've stopped looking their way whenever they're together. I'm no longer sure if I can see them together without crying, and after all this work I've done to be the one whom nobody can truly read, I don't want it to come crashing down in a cascade of tears. I'm supposed to be cheerful; it's to be expected. I put everything out there every day, and honestly? It feels so wasted when I go home and I can't tell Kotori that I love her. I mean, I can, but it's as friends. It will always be as friends.

The dashing prince has her beautiful bird, and I feel like a clown, a stupid third wheel with a painted smile. That's probably too dramatic. I mean, it's not the end of the world, right? I can still be happy. She's still in my life, and anyone who is friends with Kotori is privileged. She's the best friend anyone could ever have. She's the only one that makes me sad.

There is one person I can talk to. Not that she could understand particularly, but she's someone I feel wouldn't judge me, no matter how irrational I may be. She's also someone who I know wouldn't go tell her friends about what I said, or worse, my friends. So I ended up confiding in Tsubasa. It felt awkward, mostly because I spent a good twenty minutes crying in an empty UTX classroom. Those classrooms are so fancy! So big too. I wish I went there.

She sat there and listened while I opened my heart, spilling tears all over their really nice-smelling desks. Should desks smell nice? Maybe I'd pay more attention if our desks smelled like bread! Okay, maybe not. Everything I had felt for years I told her, and she just listened silently, occasionally patting my shoulder. It was comforting, at least. She wondered why I didn't tell her sooner, though. I wish I had, I really do, but I didn't know that my feelings were more than just that of a best friend until I brought her back from the brink of leaving. By then, when I finally realized it, I also realized it was too late.

I don't even know how long those seeds had been sewn, how long the two of them had felt like that. It was clear by then though, it was clear that I was too late. I'd wasted all that time. If this didn't hurt so much, I could use it to push Maki into telling her own crush. Like I said, very easy to read. No one else needs to wait until it's too late. It hurts so much.

Her follow-up question could've been easily predicted: why don't I tell her now? That just won't work. I don't know what would happen, but I just know how much it would destroy Umi if their newfound relationship was torn apart. And what would that say about me? That I would go to such lengths just to get what I want? I think she says it best: shameful.

She's on my mind basically all the time. I feel like it slightly trips me up during practice, but there's always this energy around me whenever it happens, so nobody really thinks that maybe the reason is because the girl I adore is way too close to that Robin Hood heartbreaker. Steal from the Honoka and give to herself. Okay, I'm getting spiteful again. I hate feeling like that. I really need to stop.

It would be easier if I could just throw myself into something else, place my heart and soul into something - or someone - I have passion for, but it's just her. No one can compare to her. She's so nice, and caring. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have a negative thing to say about anyone, ever! Unlike me. I wish I was more like her. I'm now telling all these unhappy thoughts to Tsubasa, and she cares, but she doesn't understand. She can't possibly understand, and it's unfair to expect her to. I'm just being a burden.

Every day we dance and sing, but they're doing it together, and I'm alone on my little island, smiling where everybody sees, but no one really sees. Does that make sense? I should be happy for them. I'm always happy, and I love when my friends are happy. And there are my two best friends, happier than ever. That should be the best thing ever! But it's not. I said it already, but Kotori is special. She's different: she's not like anyone I've ever met, and I doubt I'll ever meet someone even close to her, or who can mean what she means to me. I have many reasons to smile, but she's the only one that makes me sad.


End file.
